you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
