so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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