It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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