why didn't you poke me back
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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