ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
