i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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