Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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