sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
