Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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