hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
