Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So much rum. So many feels.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
