Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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