you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
