On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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