A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
