He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
