I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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