Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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