She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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