____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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