Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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