It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's like iHOP with fire
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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