He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
