she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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