I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
