Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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