I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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