I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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