Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
