He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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