Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize