dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
