Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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