I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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