Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
