you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
