just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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