I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
