i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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