I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
