I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
