I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
