She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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