Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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