a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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