One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I supernannyed him into submission
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
