Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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