Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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