Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize