omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
