no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
