There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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