She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
