seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
