I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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