Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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