My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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