Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
